An Official Memo from the Minister for Silly Names

My name is Alfonso van der Picklebum, the newly appointed Minister for Silly Names, and I am very glad to let you know that I am ready to report on the brief given to me by our new PM, Tony Abbott. He asked me to get to grips with all the silly names that have been used to describe Government departments in the past.

The Press Club Canberra
18 Sep 2013

G’Day Ladies and Gents.

Tony has already abandoned disability, energy, financial services, ageing, seniors and tourism; and good riddance to the lot of them. He has also introduced some changes to make it all simpler for ordinary people to understand. My job has been to look at them all and recommend any further changes for the Cabinet and the PM to consider.

Male Parliamentary Secretaries will henceforth be known as Parliamentary Eunuchs; females no change.

Department of Infrastructure & Regional Development to be known as Jobs for the Boys.

Trade & Investment to be merged with Jobs for the Boys.

Agriculture Minister to become Minister for Farming & Sucking Up to Foreigners.

For Sport we’ve added & Boredom.

The Minister for Employment becomes Minister for Unemployment.

The Minister for Social Services becomes Minister for Saving Money.

The Environment ministry becomes Environment without Science.

Heritage becomes Australian White Heritage.

Foreign Affairs becomes the Minister to Stop the Boats.

Mental Health becomes Minister for Nutters.

Communications, Treasurer, Education and Defence remain unchanged, but I have suggested that the position of Chief Whip be re-titled The Enforcer and that the Role of Speaker be amended to Referee.

Last but least it is not right to have the Speaker (sorry, Referee) as a Bishop when the PM is only an Abbott. So we will be asking Bronwyn to change her name to Lady Friar.

That’s all folks. Thanks.

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